Someone if forgot

I never though a childs heart could hold so much pain. I don't remember feeling so much pain when I was so young.
I never though this heart is my child's heart. I never thought I could hurt him so much.
Where should I turn to? Back, say a thousand I'm sorries and try to make up every stupid thing I've done to him? Present, say a million I´m sorries and change everything? Future, say sorry all my life and ????
You know? When I got pregnant (no, it was not planned), I thought that my number one priority would be my child. I thought I would step over the world to keep a smile on his face. I thought he would always be a happy, fullhearted child. I thought he would never feel lonely, rejected or forgotten.
I never thought that being a young mother would be so hard, deciding wether to grow or to deliver my life for someone. I never thought he would think like the real me. I neverthougt he would inherit my same way of thinking or seeing things in life. I never thought he would react like me. I thought I could make him different, normal and most of all, happy to be alive.
The truth is..I lied to myself all the time, and gave him all my ugle truth. An ugly truth that made me forget he was there, watching and learning everything from me.
The truth is...he isn´t happy to be alive, to have things to do or to face challenges.
The truth is..I have made him thought he is worthless.
The truh is...I have asked him to do what I have not wanted to do.
The truth is..I´ve left him to face my ugly truth all by himself..no love, no protection, no support, no encouragement. I forgot him.
The truth is...ten years of his precious life have past and I have left him nothing but pain, insecurity and exposure to things he shouldn't face. He does and has never deserved this.
The truth is...I've only thought about myself, I've only focused on my perfect mommy title and image..only on me.
I feel more lost than ever. I now realize that no food, house, childcare, toys or material accomplishments are equal to having a real mother. They are the easiest part, the most comfortable one for a parent to provide. I realize that he didn´t need that. He needed his mom, his warm arms to run to, his shield, his friend, his support, his entrance to life, his way to God.
The truth is...I think I have ruined his childhood.
The truth is...I feel I don't deserve him..I don't deserve his love, attention and forgiveness.
The truth is...I don't know where to start to pay up and change for him.
Help.